The following was a piece I wrote at age 22, looking back on all the dark moments of my teenage life. Wishing for happiness and to just be ‘normal’ again…
I have paused, feeling rage, during many vulnerable times throughout my journey and thought, “I don’t want to grow anymore! I don’t want to learn. I just want to be at peace, and live my life.” In some moments of despair we question if we are even strong enough to survive our current tragedies. Every time I thought I was at a dead end in my life, unable to grasp onto any part of my True Self that would help me gain sanity, I would find a small break. A break that would give me the faith and courage necessary to keep moving and find the greater Truth of why life is the way it is, and how to get through it in one piece.
[singlepic id=36 w=320 h=240 float=right]During times when I was conflicted and couldn’t even recognize the person I had turned into, I would see other people who were happy and healthy, which would leave me feeling almost disgusted. It was always difficult to be around people that saw the up-side of life, when all I could see was the down-side. The side that felt I would never be happy again.
Eventually when we are open to it, we will receive clarity which pushes us toward the future. When desperation hit, I never saw that “way”. Instead, my past would be front and center, not allowing me to do anything but wallow in self-pity. People around me always seemed to say, “Success is a choice,” and things like, “Your happiness is your decision,” but I always angrily thought they were wrong during these times of self-destruction. Once I became a part of the vicious cycle of being lost, I was convinced it would be like that forever. I secretly hoped that those life-cheerleaders were right, and that I would eventually snap out of it so life could resume.
When we are open to change, change will occur. Naturally I would think, “I am open to change! I hate the way I feel. I hate the way people view me in this disgusting state. I am open but nothing is happening!” Blame is the easiest way to make yourself feel better in this nasty state. I would blame my mom for not asking me more often what was wrong. I would blame my sister for not paying more attention to me. I would blame anyone and everyone because it made me feel like it was their fault and not mine. And since it was their fault, I didn’t have to change because that was their duty.
As soon as you are in a stable position in life you see how destructive this mental state is. You realize that your happiness in life truly is your decision. Shortly after being in a destructive state, I would always feel foolish because during that vicious cycle I fought happiness, even though deep down that is what I craved.
It is NATURAL to have feelings of doubt, depression, raging anger and lostness. Allow yourself to feel that – bathe in it! It’s not until we fully feel what we need to feel that we are able to move on – and with a heck of a lighter load!
One of the best books I stumbled across (I should mention, I found the book through what I call a “messenger” – someone who shows up ever so briefly in your life, to deliver a message to you, if you are just awake enough to hear it), was called “How to Survive the Loss of a Love”.
It is a very simple book, but inside was a gift. The words read that it was OK to feel down. If you need to rest, rest. Don’t overdo it. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you feel like laughing. Don’t force yourself to feel better. You will feel better when you are finished grieving.
And, I’ll add, we don’t just grieve over a breakup or over a passing. We can grieve over change – big or small. A move, a career change, a new relationship – anything. It is natural and it does not mean you are weak.
So, today, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel inside. No judgments.