Over the last few years I have had about 30 poems come through. It seems as though someone is whispering in my ear and I just take dictation. I know it is something within my self, trying to lead me home, but I have not been the best listener. Seven years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with these words going through my mind. ”I will always love you.” I sat up in bed, grabbed a pen and wrote on the side of a kleenex box.
Here is the poem that came through…
“I will always love you” he said to me,
But I did not listen, I did not believe.
Why am I here, where is my home?
Surrounded by people, I feel so alone.
“You are never alone” he said to me,
But I did not listen, I chose not to believe.
I searched and I searched, but it was all in vain.
I sat down defeated, numb with the pain.
“You have but to look inwards” he reminded me,
I struggled to listen, could I believe?
Then I heard him whisper “I live in your heart”,
I felt myself tremble, when he said we’d never part.
I feel myself open to this wonderful truth.
A great heaviness leaves me I no longer seek proof.
I accept his promise and clearly I see,
All I had to do was let go and be free.
Now at the bottom of this mountain,
With Him I shall climb,
Joyfully, I realize,
I have been home the whole time.
I then fell asleep only to read it the next day, wondering where it came from.
Now for a bit of my history, I was adopted at one years old and then proceeded to go through sexual abuse and a host of other traumas for many years. I thought something was dreadfully wrong with me and I grew up very fearful. No one knew what was happening because I could not tell them. Grandpa used to have a knife sitting on his desk and he would say “don’t tell or grandpa will hurt you.” I was terrified. It came out loud and clear in my behavior though, but I just got in trouble for it.
At 16 I started to have severe panic attacks which led to full blown agoraphobia, the result being the failure of the 11th grade. I did not finish high school. I asked for help and was sent to a psychiatrist who put me on terrible medication that I got hooked on and I ended up in the psych ward, a horrible experience, for 5 days because of it. This led to a 27 year cycle of various medications, because all any doctor could see was something wrong with me. Even through all of this, I resisted the labels and the drugs and knew some day I would be free.
I managed to stay away from the typical pitfalls of drugs and alcohol and other trouble. I Knew I had enough to deal with. At the right time, the right people were put in front of me and I began the process of self inquiry. I was tired of the role of victim and placing blame everywhere else. I made it through 2 bouts of cancer, fibromyalgia and a lupus diagnosis. All were emotionally related. I did not get chemo or radiation and I told the doctor I would not do it. I knew what it was connected to, unhealed trauma.
Through all of this I managed to realize a dream of completing college, being a hospice volunteer which comes with it’s own incredible stories, getting myself into excellent physical condition which the doctor said led to a remission of the fibromyalgia and lupus, and started my own business in 1999 doing geese control with a trained bald eagle and a dog. I had been doing falconry as a hobby since I was 18. Many said it would not work. I am still doing it. I went through a divorce, left everything and moved to BC from Ontario. I had no job lined up and no place to live. It all just unfolded in front of me. I knew I had to come out here to heal and “find myself”. Guess what I learned.
One never has to find one’s ‘self’ as there is no ‘self’ to find. Who is it that was ever lost and who is it that needs to be found? These questions lead to a profound shift in the mind. “Who am I really, beyond all thoughts, perceptions, beliefs and feelings?”
Almost three years ago I met the love of my life and am now remarried. It is just incredible and a miracle how it has all unfolded. I have shared my story with my eagle beside me through many public presentations and it is always so well received and an inspiration. We are all pointers for “The way” to each other, but we have to find our own path, our own way, home. What is home, but remembering the truth of who we really are and thus healing the divide and conflict within. One person can indeed change the whole world. When I change how I perceive the world, then my world changes. I then live my life from that space and can affect everyone and everything in a positive way. I would not have to say anything or convince anyone of anything. Everyone would be fee to be exactly as they are whatever that is. I have now set the world free from the prison of my own mind.
A beautiful thing.